September vlog

 

The following post is the written version of the video above.

September was anything but boring. While it started off as what felt like a normal month, our belongings were soon packed away into boxes because we were going to move.

Peter and I were casually talking about finding an apartment of our own in early September, which led us to a casual apartment viewing one afternoon. But soon after visiting that first home, we were signing a lease, putting a deposit down, and were set to move that following week. It all happened a little too fast and I didn’t feel mentally prepared, but the most I could do at that point was to start packing, and brace myself for what was to come.

For those of you who don’t know, we’ve been living with my parents for the past year. I quit my job last November, which meant our housing budget was smaller, and with my anxiety at an all time high, it would be nice to have company around at home, especially family. It was really comforting to have my parents around, and to feel less stressed from having to figure everything out on our own.

So with the move came quite a few doubts and fears, as I felt that living on our own would send me back into the harsh reality of adulthood, which was the backdrop to the start of my anxiety last year. I questioned if I would I be able to lift my weight for our family financially, or if I was I trapping myself into a situation that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. While having our own place sounded nice from the outside, deep down I wondered if I would be able to handle it all again.

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Stress got to me with the move and unpacking for the first half of the month, and my body became sick right before a trip to Utah for my friend’s wedding. Luckily Cooper was able to travel with us on the plane for the first time which was a huge blessing, and I was able to think past my sickness as we reunited with friends, and got to host a book tour event in Salt Lake City. Thank you to all who came - it was a wonderful afternoon and I hope to visit again (:

At the end of our trip, Peter and I spent the day at Arches National Park, and while I was still getting over my sickness, stresses and worries of life back in California, it was a great way to spend time together. We are so lucky that we were able to visit two national parks in the span of two months, it’s a rare occurrence. (: It’s been on our bucket list to see the Arches, and it was wonderful to be able to witness it in person.

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I had a bit of a recovery period after being physically sick and pushing through our Utah trip. Yet mentally, my fear of the unknowns of adulthood continued to occupy my mind. To be frank, the only thing that was holding me together was peace and truth in God’s word. As I look back at this month’s journal entries and devotionals, I noticed a common theme: that God is our shepherd. Jesus himself even says in Matthew 15:24, that “[He] was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel,” and trust me, I’ve been feeling quite lost this month, wondering if I can keep it together, still debating if I need to go back to full time work, and head over heels with moving into our new living situation. Though I know I could go into an endless pit in my mind of worry, I’m doing my best to cling ever more tightly to God, trusting that He will guide me each step of the way.

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I wanted to close by sharing the chorus of a song that’s been on repeat for this month, ‘Shepherd’ by Bethel Music. It says, “You will lift my head above the mighty waves. You are able to keep me from stumbling. And in my weakness you are the strength that comes from within. Good shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on.”

So with that, I hope you’re encouraged by my reflections of this past month as I continue to journey towards the unknown, holding onto God’s hand as He leads me day by day. If you ever feel lost and unsure of where you’re going, know that it’s absolutely fine to feel that way, and that you’re not alone. At least for myself, it’s through my weakness of not knowing where I’ll be that I am able to allow God to give me strength and courage, which allows me to grow in my faith as I see more of His glory and providence, not my own.

Though I continue to feel lost when I look forward and try to plan, I sit here at this table in my new home, and it is clear that God is with me, He is with us, and He loves. He has been faithful in providing for me every day, blessing Peter and I immensely with our livelihoods, our new home, and each other. God truly is our shepherd through this transition time, and He is so loving to us in the here and now.